Why I Was Fat / My Struggles With Food

hey guys so today I have a very different video for you I have no script not gonna do any fancy editing it's just gonna be me sitting here and telling you guys about my struggles I get a lot of requests to tell like my weight loss journey story

and that kind of thing but I don't really feel like I can tell you guys that story until I tell you what comes before it and it'll give you a little insight into why I might want to make a channel like this or research you know food addiction

and junk food science and all that kind of stuff as well okay so I was always fat um maybe I wasn't a fat baby but I was a fat kid a fat teen a fat adult I actually only lost away a couple of years ago if that so

yeah I've spent literally 99% of my life fat and keep in mind I also have like 20 to 30 more pounds to lose maybe more like 30 judging by my body in a bathing suit the other day but I'm at a healthy BMI and I've overcome a lot

of and obviously all this you know weight trouble starts with food all throughout my life I can remember all these situations where I was just like obsessed with food and where I was eating a lot my mom always cooked really healthy growing up she always tried to

make us balanced meals she bought whole wheat bread she didn't buy the sugary cereals but it really didn't matter because I was always chubby regardless I can remember getting up early to go and eat to go and watch cartoons but mainly to eat like multiple bowls of cereal

loaded with sugar and finally TV I can remember this one summer where my dad gave my brother and I $20 almost everyday to buy lunch and we would go to the convenience store we would buy meatball subs with cheese every single day footlong obviously but not only that

we would spend every last dime okay cuz their words penny candies and that kind of stuff we would spend every last dime of that money on candy and ice cream and everything that we could get with that money and things kind of just kept moving along that path

for me in my life I was not really an emotional eater ever but I was definitely a boredom eater and a secret eater I think as early as middle school I was binge eating right when I got home from school but it really really started to get bad

in high school as I started to get a bit you know anxious about my body and about my intense eating patterns and how much different they were than my friends I started to get really secretive with it I didn't like eating in front of people I kind of

thought whatever I was eating I was eating a salad people are gonna be like you don't need salads or hey you know if I was eating really unhealthy people be like well that's why you're fat so I just just didn't like eating in front of people so I

would eat as little as I could during the day and then get home and binge on huge quantities of foods not even necessarily unhealthy food unhealthy food was obviously my preference but I would just eat whatever I could get my hands on and a lot of it until

I was uncomfortably full just like classic binge eating I was uncomfortably full I was ashamed I'll just take myself to my bedroom full and unhappy obviously my parents were getting concerned throughout this time of like middle school in high school and they would find my closets stuffed with

wrappers or like my backpack I just had this crazy obsession with it and I would always try and get candy and all that kind of stuff I would just spend a lot of time thinking about food trying to get food just if I was ever with my friends

I'd always want there to be an element of food at the movie theaters I'd go off I'd always get way more food than my friends it really was an obsession for me and the secretive element definitely got more and more intense which almost like added to the high

of it I definitely got a literal high of it and actually that high element has only recently gone away and I would say like the last six to eight months maybe a year yeah I don't have a script so if this is all over the place I apologize

but I can't have it both ways okay so I'm trying I'm so nervous so anyway what the was I trying to say as I got into University and I was living on campus I had a meal card I had a job and there was lots of opportunities for

me to binge in secret so things just kept getting more and more and more intense and around this time is when I hit my highest weight of 255 for the first time at least that's the highest weight I know of I could have been hired because I was

only weighing myself when I came home to visit my parents so it could have been much higher than that but that's the highest weight I have recorded but anyway at the same time I had a really shitty boyfriend and this is significant because we had a really twisted

relationship and a big part of that was that he really hated that I was fat while at the same time really encouraging me to binge not encouraging me to binge but we would binge together he was one of those guys who was like naturally fit or naturally athletic

he wasn't super thin and he kind of had abs but not in like a really skinny way I guess he just was naturally fit and a little bit muscular and he also had this weird thing where he didn't experience hunger he claimed whatever I can't relate but anyway

he also had a really twisted relationship with food himself he even though he didn't really work out he was really concerned about his body and the way that looked that kind of stuff and we would have these crazy binge days together like bigger than I had ever done

before we would go and we would get pizza and we would go out to sushi which is like obviously that's a crazy amount of food you get ice cream at sushi that kind of thing then we would go out and get more ice cream we would get more

candy more chips literally I would stuff myself until I was like about to pop those were always kind of followed up with or they started with the promise that the next day would be a no eating day as we called it basically my promise to him was that

okay we're gonna have this last cheat day it's gonna be your final cheat day and then tomorrow I'm gonna eat nothing to make up for it and a lot of the time I would crack obviously sometimes I would make it the whole day and then I would crack

other times I would literally wake up and crack and then my binging would just continue and continue continue continue and the worse I felt about myself the more inclined I was to binge and this relationship went on for a bunch of years with a bunch of that and

I just felt worse and worse and worse about myself and obviously I'm not blaming him for my binging I'm just saying that at this time in my life it certainly made things a little bit more difficult but anyways even after we broke up my binges still continued and

they were still pretty out of control I would never go to sushi and get pizza on the same day but that's mainly cuz I wouldn't want to do that alone not for any other reason and around this time in my life I just felt like so out of

control with food I felt like it was never gonna change I remember being terrified that I was gonna just continue to get bigger and bigger and bigger and I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to deal with this and that really just kind of made

my binging worse because it would feel futile to change and because I had so much self-loathing that it was like I'd get locked into that cycle of bingeing like crazy one day and then feeling like the next day I needed to not eat at all to make up

for it and obviously if you watch my been cheating video or you struggle with binge eating or you've overcome it you know that those to the binging and the restricting they go side by side and if you are literally try not to eat and you are a binge

eater then it's just it's not gonna work at all anyway these were dark days I didn't know how it was gonna pull myself out of this I didn't know if it was even possible for me to lose weight and anyway I'm telling you all this because obviously now

I'm not that person anymore and they don't feel like that and I truly believe that going through all that stuff and being where I was with food being obsessed with food the way I was if I can lose weight anybody can lose weight I truly believe that if

I can lose weight anyone can lose weight if you had have asked me back then if I would ever want to eat healthy every day I would have said no I would have said no way okay I did not want to eat healthy I just want to eat

like that all the time and I didn't even I thought it was unfair that other people could eat whatever they want and not get fat like me I didn't really understand why I was saddled with such a problem when other people didn't have to deal with it the

way I did I had a really shitty attitude in that respect and now obviously I want to eat healthy every day um I still like unhealthy food let's be clear that stuff doesn't just die but I do want to eat a healthy every day so I'll tell you

a little bit about where I'm at now I have about 20 to 30 pounds to go as I mentioned I actually haven't been dieting or trying to lose weight in quite some time though last year the restrictive element of my eating disorder I don't like to call it

that but whatever it is what it is got out of control as you kind of lose weight and as you do anything really and you get momentum you can do things that you didn't think we're possible before or that you were unable to do before and for me

I was gaining some serious control over my eating for the first time in my life and again this was before I even really cared about being healthy so I would just I was at a point where I would just eat as little as possible every single day and

it only went on for a few months but um it was enough that a hair started falling out and that was a very harsh lesson to learn but I'm thankful for it because it really jolted me into having an interest and learning about eating healthy and not dieting

in such a problematic way no I didn't do that my entire weight loss journey but I certainly had this kind of restrictive mentality I didn't care about health and that's obviously only a recent thing that has changed I've just been kind of maintaining I was gearing up to

get back into it and then my gym shut down and I was just like I'm not gonna do it right now so yes where I'm at now I still struggle with um the restrictive side I get this little like voice in my head that basically says if I

say forget eat breakfast maybe noon or all around and I look at the time and I'm like oh man you know like I could make it until dinner you know the little voice just like you can just not eat today I still give in to that voice sometimes

but number one I don't want to and number two it is not effective any day that I do that I'll end up overeating at night any day that I do that and I don't want to have this mentality but it's something that I'm working on as far as

the binging goes the daily binging is something that I conquered a really long time ago but I thought I would still kind of want to keep binging in the form of cheat days and it's only recently that I've decided that that is not a behavior that I want

to keep in my life a cheat day where I'm still eating to the point that I'm like literally feeling sick at the end of the day it took me so long to realize this even though it's so similar if not the exact same thing for me anyway I

know it's not for everyone but for me it was took me a long time to get to the place where I was like okay yeah no I don't want to do that anymore I just want to be more balanced when it comes to food and if I want

to have a treat a couple times a week then I will you know but it's still not the easiest thing for me in the world to have just an ice cream cone and leave it at that it's like if I have an ice-cream cone then I'll think to

myself you should get something else like you should get chips or you should get this or you should get whatever and I've been being really good with conquering that over the last few months especially having this YouTube channel but prior to that that's something I really struggled with

I was unable to just have you know one cookie and walk away kind of thing still still not the best but I I have come a long long long way when it comes to that so yeah I've really just been kind of working on my relationship with food

over the last couple months I just I want to slay this dragon I don't want to have this problem I just want it to be gone and honestly the improvements that I've made recently I'm pretty confident that I new year or two I'm not gonna have any issues

with food during this quarantine I've been eating in a very relaxed way and I've surprised myself and not gained any weight although I've lost muscles so I don't look as good but I think after a long period of time of getting yourself to eat healthy of resetting your

hormones it is totally possible to come out on the other side from a food addiction or a food obsession and eat intuitively or whatever you want to call it I'm not 100% there yet I'm still at the stage where you know I'm not gonna buy a bunch of

junk food and put it in my cupboard or have a candy bowl because that is just that just spells disaster for me and I don't know if I'll ever be at that level or if I would want to do that but have made leaps and bounds when

it comes to this kind of stuff and as I've said if I can do it anyone can do it and I'm hoping that by showing you guys this research and showing you guys this kind of stuff people will learn little tips and tricks that help them to have

the little mini epiphanies that I had that allowed me to kind of move forward and hopefully in a smoother and faster way then it was for me because it was not smooth which I will tell you guys about in my weight loss journey video yeah these days I

eat pretty healthy unwanted healthy all the time something that I am working on I'm still at a place where like if you gave me a food that was good but I didn't necessarily like it for example I was visiting my parents the other day and my mom made

these ice cream sandwiches things with peanut butter cookies and chocolate ice cream in the middle and honestly I didn't really care for them that much I pee nut butter cookies were hard no shade to my mom she didn't make them so mom if you're watching this no shade

to you you didn't make them so but I still ate the entire thing because you know it's ice cream so I ate it that kind of thing I'd like to just get rid of it I would like to eat foods that I want because I feel that I

truly want them not because I'm responding to the environment in a way that I used to respond to it I have a lot of work to do but I'm a lot further than I used to be but yeah I just want to tell you guys all about my

struggles so that you know where I'm coming from making this YouTube channel researching this stuff to begin with I'm not trying to be mean to someone when I make a video about them the only reason I can even make these videos because I recognize I mean I've done

the research but because I can recognize so many so many of those principles in myself especially the foodie Beauty one that was a huge moment for me in terms of realizations and a lot of the comments have indicated that it was a moment for you guys to so

I'm so so so thankful for that I feel like my younger fat self would just be so and my current self obviously but in particular my younger self would just feel be so delighted and you know happy to know that all of it was for something you know

and it really creates it takes that situation and makes meaning out of it and gives that really hard time in my life meaning and I honestly I can't thank you guys enough for that I'm not trying to get like emotional or whatever but it's an emotional thing you

know I'm so happy that you guys I'm able to share some of this information with you guys so it seems like a good time to end the video thank you guys so much for watching I hope you enjoyed getting emotional it's so embarrassing thank you guys so much

for watching this rambling video I hope it's not too all over the plane I don't ever get to talk to you guys normally because there's not really a good time in my videos but I think you guys so much for all your comments and that kind of thing

I am having so much fun being on here I I cannot believe that we're at like almost 50,000 people and honestly blows my frickin mind I did not expect such a crazy response it's just such a short period of time so this has been so fun and I'm

loving it and I'm so happy that you guys are getting some value out of the content that being said leave me a comment down below and let me know maybe a little bit about your situation if you can relate and also let me know what kind of stuff

you'd like to see in the future thank you guys so much for watching and I will see you in the next one

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